Muscle, daddy, bear, twink, geek, etc etc. The list goes on!
You ever find yourself on a dating app, and can’t seem to find someone you can freely fetishize? Feel like there are so many dating tribes and not one of them fits your Aryan world view? WUSSY has come up with a list of new dating tribes that will complicate (cough) sorry, I mean simplify your search for a companion.
Be it ‘right now’ or ‘after grandma dies,’ there’s someone out there looking for love and wants their personality simplified to an entire subgroup.
PBR Queen:
She likes to masturbate to ‘Mumford & Sons.’ No, not the band; the really obscure porn parody of ‘Sanford and Son’ you’ve probably never heard of. This queen is all about kicking it back with a PBR and discussing VICE videos they’ve never watched. Hip and topical, these modern homos will whet your appetite for Instagram followers and a lifetime full of regret.
Real life PBR Queens: BuzzFeed interns, geometry teachers, and people whose name is ironically “Ashley Madison.”
The Bear from The Revenant:
We’ve come across hairy bears, daddy bears, endangered bears, but the bear from the critically acclaimed film The Revenant is the first one we’ve seen that fulfills our dirtiest fantasy: maul the shit out of Leonardo Di Caprio. Ferocious and rabid, this bear will make you scream bloody murder in bed and leave you for dead.
Real life Bears from The Revenant: actual bears you find in the forest, Candace Payne the “Chewbacca Mom,” and Danny DeVito the “other Chewbacca Mom.”
Queen of Thrones:
(Name) of the House HBO GO, the First of Their Subscription, the Under Paid, Queen of Discounts, Queen of the Millennials and the Hipsters and the First Scene Kids, Kahleesi of the Great Wifi Network, Breaker of Passwords, and Mother of Pizza Rolls. (SPOILER ALERT) Everyone she has sex with dies.
Real life Queen of Thrones: Janet, I know you stole my Hulu and Netlfix password.
Yogi’s:
Believed to be extinct, returned to the world of men after the ‘Great Coming of the Whole Foods.’ Introduced to the world the ‘blow on the disk’ technique and revealed the dark but sexy dangers of gluten. All natural and open to eco-friendly foreplay, these new age gurus will expand your love life and your dietary restrictions.
Real life Yogi’s: Fans of the movie Garden State, grad students without borders, and a chickpea avocado blend sandwich.
I AIN’T GAY:
Title says it all. They’re not gay. They just want to take long walks in IKEA and flick your taint. Maybe mutually masturbate each other at a screening of ‘God is Not Dead 2,’ or partake in some competitive fisting at an abandoned Dick’s Sporting Goods. Nothing serious, just some discrete action in the back of a Honda Element.
Real Life I AIN’T GAYs: guys with ‘dad bods,’ Magic the Gathering conventions, and life coaches.
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.