When I first heard the term ‘man buns,’ I thought people were talking about guy butts. I could not have been more wrong.
For those of you who haven’t watched a Hozier music video, ‘man buns’ are when guys wear their hair in a bun. Some of you are probably asking yourself, “What makes a ‘man bun’ different from other hair buns? Are there two little testicles hidden underneath the scalp?” Not that we know of. No, a ‘man bun’ is a popular hair trend where guys put their hair up in a bun. The only thing that separates them from every other hair bun are their users’ penis, which is not as big of a distinction as one would think.
Man buns follow a long trend of feminine styles and products that are given masculine adjectives to sell to the male populace. In the early 2000’s, it was Jared Leto and Pete Wentz rocking ‘guyliner.’ In the 1990’s, Joey Tribbiani explored his corporate feminine side with a ‘man purse’ on an episode of Friends. And in the 1880’s, we had the revolutionary steam-powered ‘male dildo,’ which was used to fight ‘anal hysteria.’ All common day to day styles and products most women are familiar with, yet need a hyper masculine introduction for guys to feel comfortable using.
Are men ashamed of their femininity? Do they feel vulnerable when they step outside their masculine comfort zone? If you ask the Arby’s manager that lives next door to me, then yes he does. Men have a tendency to add masculine descriptors to styles and products people consider feminine. It’s a tactic that allows men to distance themselves from being perceived as feminine, and gives them permission to steal from women without being labeled as ‘girly.’ Truth is terms like man bun and guyliner don’t come across as masculine; they come across as lazy and ridiculous.
Try adding masculine descriptors before everyday words and see how far you go before you realize how crazy it sounds. Man hugs, guy poops, dude sobs, brobro stainless steel, non-dad yogurt, su-dude-ku, manatees. Seriously guys, manatees? That’s excessive. Shut it down.
My point is adding masculine descriptors to something doesn’t change anything. When you put your hair up and tie it, it’s called a bun. That purse you’re rocking doesn’t match your Sketchers. Everyone at the office can tell you use sharpie pens as eyeliner. The fact of the matter is clothing, makeup, and hair don’t have genitals.
Imagine if all of those things did have genitalia. The world would be much more segregated. Man buns would have their own salons to reach those ‘sensitive, hard to reach’ spots. Man purses would get blue balls whenever you filled them up with too much stuff. And male dildos would probably have more contraceptive rights than your average diaphragm.
Let’s stop the divide between the sexes and quit renaming feminine looks as masculine accessories. Instead, let’s acknowledge them for what they are, genderless products. Guys, rock those purses with some matching eyeliner. Just please don’t call it a ‘man purse’ or ‘guyliner.’ They are what they are: a purse and eyeliner. You are who you are: a person who can’t pull off a Glenn Close haircut.
Oh, and also boys, please don’t be afraid to show off your buns. I’m not talking about your hair; I’m talking about your butts.
Stevie King is a freelance writer and comedian with a mild obsession for burning down ice cream trucks. They've often been mistaken for Jack Antonoff, Jason Schwartzman, and your mom.