It started like anything else: just a mild joke on a Facebook status that spiraled out of control.
You see, Wussy Mag was throwing yet another party and this one was sponsored by Tito’s Vodka. Amazing! Astounding! But just one thing was missing: a linguistically-similar solid food accompaniment to the vodka. And so, we set out on a quest to pair Tito’s with Totino’s.
BYOTotino’s? I don’t think so! In this age of Twitter and corporate sponsorship, why not take to the internet and try to make our dreams come true? We reached out to Totino’s to try and load up a platter full of delicious, free Pizza Rolls to make our New Year’s Eve party that much extra.
The bait was set and now we just had to wait. For those of you unfamiliar with the perfect pizza snack known as the Pizza Roll, allow me to fill you in. Invented in 1951 by frozen food magnate Jeno Paulucci, the Pizza Roll quickly became one of the top-selling frozen stuffed pizza-type minicalzones EVER to breach the American market. Since its humble beginnings as a delectable blend of cheese, tomato sauce, and pepperoni, the Pizza Roll has gone on to include varieties such as Cheesy Taco, Meatball Marinara, and--the queerest flavor of all--Jalapeño Popper. With so much diversity in flavor, it’s easy to see why the expansive umbrella of the LGBTQIAA+ community loves Pizza Rolls.
But then, tragedy struck. Totino’s responded to our gentle request with this heart-crushing pair of tweets.
Well of course, your sponsorship requests have escalated significantly over the years. Queer tastemakers have always driven the course of popular culture, from Lady Gaga to Vaporwave to goat cheese. As goes the LGBTumblr community, so goes the rest of western civilization. We had to let Totino’s know.
And so, the long dark period began. Queer people lived in fear, never knowing if and/or when we would get a Totino’s Pizza Roll sponsored queer nightlife party. And then, one whole day later, a new idea was born in the secret depths of Wussy Mag’s cabal of whispers.
A new mission was born. Why not combine our love for alternative sexuality with our love for Pizza Rolls? Now was the time to consume, gorge, and revel in our earthly delights! And so, we gently headed back to Twitter to engage our generous overlord, @totinos.
Ladies and gentlemen and everyone within and without the gender spectrum, TOTINO’S DID NOT SAY “NO.”
Do they seem hesitant? Of course they do! Getting involved in your first leather fetish party is always a scary experience. Just look at how nervous Susan Sarandon was in Rocky Horror Picture Show. But then think about how comfortable Susan Sarandon is with basically anything these days. Totino’s, you can get there! And we can help.
This is about more than just sponsorship. This is about a perfect synergistic match between party and sponsor. This is about providing a neglected community with the pizza-packed energy they need to party all night long. This is about seeing what happens when Wussy Mag’s Editor-In-Chief Jon Dean eats a bunch of Pizza Rolls while wearing assless chaps.
America, we know democracy is not perfect but that doesn’t mean that we give up any time we are faced with hardship. Our nation is founded on the ability to petition those more powerful than us to listen to the people. And so, I humbly entreat all readers of this article, please add your name to this petition to get Totino’s to sponsor a regular queer millennial leather and fetish party. If you’re going to get stuffed, it might as well be by a pizza roll.
Thank you and God bless America.
Julian Modugno was your average mid-level antagonistic queer happy to just relax until some bullshit went down in his country of origin. Now he fights the good fight by making politics seem even worse at his regular politicomedy free-for-all, Debate ATL.